Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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