I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
