I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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