apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
