I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
