Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
