Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
