I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
