I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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