WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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