it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
