we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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