i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
