Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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