If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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