just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
