She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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