Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize