Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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