dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
