What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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