i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize