If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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