There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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