ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
