What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
