tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
