Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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