I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
