did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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