wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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