I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
