and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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