i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You smell like stripper and shame
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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