if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
