My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
