listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
and you fell through a lawn chair
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
