He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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