put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
