So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
