If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
