i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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