Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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