last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
