That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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