Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize