I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize