I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
