I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize