My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
