I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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