Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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