As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize