Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
