Your face is a jimmy john
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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