i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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