You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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