I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize