dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
