Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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