I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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