ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
