this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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