I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
