so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
