im six kinds of drunk right now
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
