So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
