so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
