I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
