i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
